The Windy City: Chicago!

I really want to go to Chicago this summer. No, cross that out. I will go to Chicago this summer because I need to go visit a school there, but what I want more than anything is to go with two of my closest friends in the world: J and Chris! I love these boys so much and we've discussed going on a really fabulous trip to Chicago before, but I don't think that either of them thought that we would be going this early or that we would all be going together. However, nothing could be more perfect, other than if Caity could make it, too. But I have a feeling she may be working, so it would be just the three of us. I don't want this trip to be a dream or a plan that we make for the distant future anymore. I want to make it a reality! J will be 18 at that point, and Chris will either be 19 still or 20 (he's a summer baby). We'll all be legal adults. What is there to lose? Hopefully not jobs. I really wish that we could go in the middle of the week, like M-W, but I doubt that would be reasonable. We could just do a weekend. We would leave on Friday night, stay in a hotel, I could visit my possible future school, then we could all hang out and go places with a map and then go home that night! We could probably only afford one night for the hotel. I'm really excited. Mama said that I could go with her and her bf, but that just doesn't sound fun, risky or adventurous at all, to me. I want an adventure. I want memories. I want something special, and this could be my chance! So I hope that I can take it with the two most important men in my life, other than Papa and Jesus Christ (haha, Gaga moment!). Please God, help us get through this semester and be with us on our (possible) future trip~! I haven't even told either of them my idea yet. Lol. I hope they don't cringe at the thought of spending that much time together because I love them both! They have so much more in common than they realize. This could really be a chance for them to see that in one another.

Sometimes, I think I see myself in him, and it frustrates me to the core because I want him to be better than me. And he just doesn't get that. I just care about him so much and I wish that he could understand and comprehend that there's more to life than what he is dealing with, and that I do understand his feelings. Obviously, I will never totally get them because he is him and I am me, but I have dealt with things in my life, too, that I don't like to think or talk about, and that I won't think or talk about because I have better things to do. And it just made me cry today because I was just thinking about all the shit that has happened to me and I haven't thought about it in so long. I'd even go as far as saying that I had forgotten completely because I didn't want to remember it all.
I was an outcast in school. Most people didn't like me, and my best friend had a lot of issues, too. We were meant to be. I was weird, awkward and didn't really get myself, and my best friend was the 'shining star' - the one everyone loved and was drawn to. No one ever cared about me if she was around, including me, sometimes. And before that, in elementary school, I was always being made fun of. I was called fat and ugly and no one ever wanted to play with me because I was a bully. And I was a bully because I honestly didn't know it was wrong. I thought 'fight back if someone tries to hurt you' meant 'fight people if they upset you.' Which was often, and not at all the same thing. And my issues with my dad, and the cutting. And the obsession with my weight. I would cry all the time because I felt so awful and ugly and just terrible. There was this one time when I was sitting alone at home because my dad was always at work or school, and I got one of the kitchen knives and put it really close to my chest. My hand was shaking. "I can't do it," I thought. "I'm a coward. I'll never be able to do it." And the tears started streaming because I just wanted to die. So I can't tell if I'm mad at him (my friend) for having the audacity to think that I can't understand, or if I'm crying my eyes out because I just love him so much and we're so much alike, and all I want is the best for him and I can't give him that. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I just want to go to sleep and stop thinking about everything in my life that has gone wrong. There's a reason I don't think about these things.
I know my life isn't awful - it's so far from that, now. But I had to go through some things to get to where I am today. I know that some of the things that I've dealt with pale in comparison to others, but it doesn't really matter. I'm thankful that I am here now and that I'm blessed. I just wanted to end this post on a high note. I feel much better after writing all of that out.

Taking up Space.

Sometimes, I feel like I will amount to nothing, and that all I really seem to do is take up space. Like I'm just a burden that everyone else feels like they are forced to carry.

Sometimes, I feel like, even though I have all these goals and dreams, that I will never actually follow through with any of them, and I'll be stuck doing something that I don't even like for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a really big talker who won't actually walk, because I'm afraid I'll fail, or I'll get stuck in a rut and not know where to go from there.

Other times, I feel like I'm alone, and no one can really relate to me or understand me, and that's why I'm single. And when people do like me, it's because they don't know anything about me, and all they see is a pretty face and a think ass, so I don't want to talk to them. I feel like there's no point in it whatsoever. What is there to gain from a conversation whenever someone can't seem to get past the way that I look?

I really believe that one can accomplish anything if they really put their mind to it, but it can be really difficult sometimes when you're the one struggling to believe that there is some destiny awaiting you and you just can't see it yet because you're crying so much that your tears are making everything look white and foggy, and you feel like you just won't amount to anything in life, even though you want to, very much. All I want is a happy, successful life full of love, but it's really difficult. It's like everything I do is wrong, or not enough. And I'm afraid to take risks and I feel like I just upset everyone. I wish that I could just live alone, so that I wouldn't have to worry about being a bother, but I'm not ready for that yet.

I have a headache from crying my eyes out, so I'm going to go now.