Exercise and Other Good Things!

So recently, I've been on this thing where I just feel the need to exercise every single day. I don't really know why, or what started it, it just kind of came at me and has stayed there ever since two weeks ago. I was bored, so I decided to go on a walk around campus one morning since I had finished all of my homework the previous night. I had a feeling I might want to sleep the following morning, so I just went ahead and completed everything. I ended up not sleeping that morning - I guess I was feeling restless - so I went on a walk, instead. I was curious about what the other side of campus looked like that I had never been to, so I took a look around as a carried my coffee-bloated stomach around the lake. It was such a nice, relaxing feeling, going on that walk. Even though I had to dodge a lot of geese poop, it was still completely worth it. So I started doing that and on days I didn't walk around, I would jump rope in the evenings. Now I'm just used to doing that. I must have exercised at least 4 times last week for at least half an hour a day, which isn't so bad. One day, I think I even did it for 45 minutes. I wasn't sure if it was doing anything for me, but I've found that I don't fall asleep in class like I used to. I seem to have more energy. And when I walk up flights of stairs, I'm not panting like it's the biggest deal ever when I reach the top. Now, it feels almost as if I practically floated up the stairs when I reach the top step because it feels as if it takes so little effort to get there, unlike before! So it's a really nice feeling. ^^ I've been trying to keep a pretty regular exercise routine because of that feeling. :)
Another thing I'd like to share is that two of my closest friends - the ones I wanted to go to Chicago with - are currently getting along, it seems! I really hope that they can steadily become really good friends, or something like that. It would make me really happy. ^^ I heard that they talked for 3 hours yesterday, and I was so surprised! I still don't know what triggered the conversation, but all I know is that it makes me so incredibly happy. I love them both. Maybe we can still go to Chicago, after all. If we have the money. ;)

Boss DJ is stuck in my head.

So today, I talked with my crush's girlfriend and him together. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought...I really thought she didn't like me at first, but she is so nice. She's kind of like me. I don't know. She's one of those people where you talk to them, and you're just like, 'how can I be mad at that?' You can't; that's the answer. It's impossible to be upset. And I was so upset that he picked her instead of me for a long time. But when she laughed at something he had said, it didn't make me sad at all. I could hear her adoration for him in her laugh. And it just made me feel so much better because it made me realize that he's happy, and that they're happy together, which makes me happy, too. And it was just a good feeling and a good moment that I playing back in my head. I just feel so much better than I did before about when I saw him. I used to feel so down after seeing him because all I could think about was the fact that he wasn't mine. But now, it's not like that anymore. And I'm so thankful. :)

It was a beautiful day yesterday, and I'm sure it is today, too. I am so tired of doing homework. Is it time yet to be finished with school??? Because I am ready to move on to STLCC-Meramec, and I am ready for summer, and I am ready to drive, and I am ready to have a job! I am also ready to move somewhere in the city. I just don't want to be in the county anymore. It is so boring and I feel so much older than I actually am. I want to have fun! I never get to have fun. I'm going to end up being one of those 30 year-olds who is clubbing and being asked why I'm still partying, because I'm too old. It's going to be like that if I don't move back to the city soon. What I really can't wait for, though, is to move away from the border of Missouri and Illinois. I have always lived around this border. I've lived in St. Louis, I've lived in Wentzville, I've lived in Granite City, and I've lived in Maryville. I just want to get out of that area! I'm so tired of it! I'm ready for new things after I get my AA. It will be so nice to leave! I'll miss it, but I need to move on. Everything is growing to be so expected, you know? Anyway, ciao! I must do my Spanish homework. I don't get what is supposed to be done! These instructions are confusing. Bye!

The Windy City: Chicago!

I really want to go to Chicago this summer. No, cross that out. I will go to Chicago this summer because I need to go visit a school there, but what I want more than anything is to go with two of my closest friends in the world: J and Chris! I love these boys so much and we've discussed going on a really fabulous trip to Chicago before, but I don't think that either of them thought that we would be going this early or that we would all be going together. However, nothing could be more perfect, other than if Caity could make it, too. But I have a feeling she may be working, so it would be just the three of us. I don't want this trip to be a dream or a plan that we make for the distant future anymore. I want to make it a reality! J will be 18 at that point, and Chris will either be 19 still or 20 (he's a summer baby). We'll all be legal adults. What is there to lose? Hopefully not jobs. I really wish that we could go in the middle of the week, like M-W, but I doubt that would be reasonable. We could just do a weekend. We would leave on Friday night, stay in a hotel, I could visit my possible future school, then we could all hang out and go places with a map and then go home that night! We could probably only afford one night for the hotel. I'm really excited. Mama said that I could go with her and her bf, but that just doesn't sound fun, risky or adventurous at all, to me. I want an adventure. I want memories. I want something special, and this could be my chance! So I hope that I can take it with the two most important men in my life, other than Papa and Jesus Christ (haha, Gaga moment!). Please God, help us get through this semester and be with us on our (possible) future trip~! I haven't even told either of them my idea yet. Lol. I hope they don't cringe at the thought of spending that much time together because I love them both! They have so much more in common than they realize. This could really be a chance for them to see that in one another.

Life Update

The last thing I posted last year was something about my crush. I still have a crush on him, but he has a girlfriend, now. One that isn't me. It kind of sucks, but I try not to think about it too hard. These things happen, you know? There's nothing wrong with me. I just keep trying to tell myself that I'm perfect the way I am, and he just didn't get the opportunity to experience that, which is too bad for him. I'm still sad, though, even though I kind of know it wasn't meant to be. We haven't talked about it in a really long time, and I'd like to keep it that way. I just don't understand why anyone would pick someone else over me...I know that sounds selfish. No, that is REALLY selfish. We're all human beings here, with layers and personalities and lungs and hearts, but sometimes, that's so easy to forget.
I thought it would be kind of awkward to give him the fool's gold at this point, so I ended up only giving him the pet rock. He seriously appreciated it and laughed and even seemed a little moved that I thought of him. He thanked me and gave me this hug that was, like, a real hug. You know? He gave me a serious hug, like people give to people that they love. But he doesn't love me.
I feel really dumb because I'm just sitting here and crying for no real reason at all. I guess it's because things just aren't the same anymore and I miss him and I wish he wasn't with her. I didn't realize I actually care this much. But I guess no one has to know until they find this blog, which won't happen for a while until I get mildly famous.

So, it's a Thursday early morning and I'm thinking about this new guy that I have a crush on, for some reason. Uncreatively, I'll call him SR. I think that the dumbest thing about liking someone is that you're always wondering things about them. Like, what time does he have to wake up in the morning for his job? Before he fell asleep, was he thinking about me? Has he ever masturbated to me before? Just common, normal thoughts are spiraling around in my head right now. Just some completely average thoughts, you know. Lol. But seriously, though. I do wonder these things! I wonder if other people do, too. All of these things.
I feel so relieved, telling him how I feel after only liking him for about a month or two. It's so much easier than it was with C. I was afraid of how he would react, but SR is so kind and sweet and easy to talk to, unlike C. C could be so mean sometimes, just like my dad. But SR is too nice and funny and I love being around him! :) He makes me feel comfortable and just, like. Right. You know? We have things in common and he's the perfect combination of silly and mature, which just makes sense for me. If I am with someone, I need them to be mature enough to deal with me but silly enough to understand my bizarre sense of humor. Which he does. And that makes me happy. :D Just thinking about him makes me happy and my face gets so warm! Even if we're not together forever, I feel like we wouldn't break up and it would be this whole ordeal. I feel like we could still talk, which is really nice.
Well, anyway, since I began the conversation both Tuesday and Wednesday, I think that I'll just wait for him to today. I hope he won't forget! I like talking to him; he's so interesting!

Sometimes, I think I see myself in him, and it frustrates me to the core because I want him to be better than me. And he just doesn't get that. I just care about him so much and I wish that he could understand and comprehend that there's more to life than what he is dealing with, and that I do understand his feelings. Obviously, I will never totally get them because he is him and I am me, but I have dealt with things in my life, too, that I don't like to think or talk about, and that I won't think or talk about because I have better things to do. And it just made me cry today because I was just thinking about all the shit that has happened to me and I haven't thought about it in so long. I'd even go as far as saying that I had forgotten completely because I didn't want to remember it all.
I was an outcast in school. Most people didn't like me, and my best friend had a lot of issues, too. We were meant to be. I was weird, awkward and didn't really get myself, and my best friend was the 'shining star' - the one everyone loved and was drawn to. No one ever cared about me if she was around, including me, sometimes. And before that, in elementary school, I was always being made fun of. I was called fat and ugly and no one ever wanted to play with me because I was a bully. And I was a bully because I honestly didn't know it was wrong. I thought 'fight back if someone tries to hurt you' meant 'fight people if they upset you.' Which was often, and not at all the same thing. And my issues with my dad, and the cutting. And the obsession with my weight. I would cry all the time because I felt so awful and ugly and just terrible. There was this one time when I was sitting alone at home because my dad was always at work or school, and I got one of the kitchen knives and put it really close to my chest. My hand was shaking. "I can't do it," I thought. "I'm a coward. I'll never be able to do it." And the tears started streaming because I just wanted to die. So I can't tell if I'm mad at him (my friend) for having the audacity to think that I can't understand, or if I'm crying my eyes out because I just love him so much and we're so much alike, and all I want is the best for him and I can't give him that. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I just want to go to sleep and stop thinking about everything in my life that has gone wrong. There's a reason I don't think about these things.
I know my life isn't awful - it's so far from that, now. But I had to go through some things to get to where I am today. I know that some of the things that I've dealt with pale in comparison to others, but it doesn't really matter. I'm thankful that I am here now and that I'm blessed. I just wanted to end this post on a high note. I feel much better after writing all of that out.

Hey, Blogger. So, my feet smell really awful right now because I was wearing my pretty Mary Jane pink Chinese shoes. I can't tell if my feet have just stunk up my shoes, or if I just really need to buy a new pair. I've only had this pair for a few months!!!
I just finished doing some chores and wrapping a present for my mom. So now, I want to make something. I don't want to write my paper. I wish my mom would realize that, when I get in that 'writing mood,' I need to write right then and there. I can't write later. I need to write in that exact moment. Or I'll lose the mood and I will never ever do my homework.
The bad news is that there is nothing for me to watch because all of my shows didn't come on this week, because it's ~Thanksgiving week.~ So I'm confused because I don't know what to do with my time, other than what I should do. If La Cage Au Folles is on 1channel, I am going to watch it.

I *NEVER* update.

So, I've been on Thanksgiving vacation for about 2 days, now, and I haven't done anything at all!!! I need to turn in a paper for English on Monday that's overdue, but I'm having the worst time thinking of things to write and getting the motivation to do so! I had terrible writer's block for a while, and now, I'm kind of afraid to do it and run into the same problem! I'm also kind of afraid it'll just suck. xP But whatever. I'm trying to see it like this: It's the last English paper I have to write for about a year!!! So I have to hang in there and stay genki! (Lol, I haven't heard anyone use that word in years.)
What have I been up to this past month? I can't remember if I mentioned seeing Billy Elliot at the Fox, but I probably did! My Nana is on vacation. My dad is alone in Kentucky, and my friend Tim is just depressed. I hope that I never become one of those people during the holidays that just gets depressed around this time, because that would suck.
I talked to my friend Nick last night, too! We Skyped for the first time ever, so that was coo'. He also lives in KY. I haven't talked to him face-to-face in several years, and the last time I talked to him on the phone, I was 15. I think the last time I saw him, I was still young and living with my dad and 15. I'm 18, now, and I'll be 19 in January next year. I really can't believe it. I hope some really great things happen for me next year, as well as my friends and family!
Ah, maybe you're wondering about my crush? Ok, probably not. But I'll tell you, anyway. CC actually addresses me by my name, talks to me every time we have class together (lol, so that's twice a week...), and we're just on a pretty good turf - so much better than before! You know, I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in which we were hanging out alone, finally, and we were talking a LOT. Then, as I was saying something, he kissed me! I was flustered, so I ignored it, because I have this thing where I try not to make a spectacle of anything unless it's appropriate, I guess..? Ok, I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, a lot of people kiss, so I just thought that maybe he was curious and it was just a 'friend kiss' in the dream, which is what I would also think in real life. It's not more than a 'friend kiss' unless one of you says, 'would you be mine?? Please, be my baby!' Haha! :) Because that's how things always get complicated in TV shows!
Anyway, as I was trying to say, I ignored the fact that I had totally just gotten to meet lips with the most attractive boy I have ever seen in my life. So then, we were walking around and talking even more, and as he was saying something, I decided to kiss him. So, once more, we conversed, and he kissed me again, and then he said something along the lines of, "Well, now that we're more than friends..." And I said, "Wait!!...We are..??" So he laughed, and said, "Why would I kiss you if I didn't like you?" And I was like, "I don't know!!" He was so nice to me in that dream. But when I woke up, I realized that it was not reality. That was not the real life, and it sucked, because it really felt so real when I was asleep.
One more thing I would like to touch base on is the fact that I don't think I want to just be a girl anymore. I wrote about this in my tumblr, so here I am, writing this again. It feels almost unnatural, like I'm a different person in the way that I feel. I don't feel like Jisu anymore; I feel. Like...somebody else. And not at all in a bad way. I just feel like I want to be a boy sometimes. I just want to be male. But I also enjoy being female. I wish that I could fully change back and forth like it was nothing. Sometimes, I could have a penis. Occasionally, I could have a vagina. IDK. Whatever is working for me that day, you know. It'd be nice. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people because I don't want to be looked at as if I'm a freak. When, in truth, I am a freak, and that's what makes me so grand. But I'm afraid to be my completely grand self and just charge on as a very queer individual. Staying in my comfort zone would mean that I just stayed the way that I am now. And really, I love the 'me' that I currently am. I am flawed, of course, but I really like myself. It took me so long to get to this point, though, so if I was to add in a whole different part of me that isn't Jisu and is instead someone who may or may not be a dude, it would just get so complicated. I don't want to have to explain why I was kawaii yesterday, but today, I'm really masculine and look completely different. I mean, if I was a bystander, friend, or family member, I would want to know what was going on with me, too, but sometimes, things are just so hard to talk about. Or you just don't want to talk about them. I think that I will definitely go through with these feelings of mine at some point when I'm comfortable, but I don't know if I want to do that right away. Otherwise, I might get overwhelmed. I usually don't care how other people see me or what they think of me, but since this is just totally different than any hate that I could have possibly gotten before (i.e. 'dyke,' 'lesbian,' 'gay,' 'ratchet,' etc. That last one is really fucking dumb, though), I simply don't know how to prepare myself for this. I'll have to figure out how to sometime. I'm just going to lay low in that department for now, though.

Pon pon

I'm sooo cold this morning! No one is here in the cafe yet. I wanted to look cute this morning, but I made the wrong decision. Now I'm gonna be cold all day! It's freezing. I even have a cardigan on! :/ And I think I have a toe infection. My big toe is uglier than usual and it hurts, too. I don't know what this means. Sorry, I know. TMI. But it hurts, man.
Let's see, what's been going on this week? Well, on Monday, I skipped Sociology class, but then it turned out that we didn't have class, anyway! It got canceled. I found that out on Wednesday. :P I skipped because i wanted to finish my Keisha Fabo flip book for Mass Communications. It was extra credit, and I did horribly on the test last time. I don't know if I'll do too well on this next one, either. I just found out that we're having a test on Monday!! :( This man is nuts, but I'll do my best! I also to hang out with some people from class and my leading lady, Kier, and I took a test that I just barely passed. I hope to do better next time!! So then, I had to go to English class, where my crush is and I have no friends. Lol, I hate it so much! I assumed that it would be the same old, boring stuff we usually do, but then we were put into groups dependent on what subject we chose. If I'd have known that, I probably would have chosen a different subject so that I could be in a group with C, but something even better happened. I was put in a group with C's friend and a few other really cool and nice people! :) We all got along really well, and I know that I made at least one new friend and a few friendly acquaintances, but who says that they can't be friends at some point, too? I told C's friend (who is SO nice, btw!) that we should talk more! He's a cool guy! Tuesday, I honestly have no idea what I did. Lol. On Wednesday, Kier wasn't there (sobbu sobbu), but I had to write a paper, anyway, and had little to no time to talk at all! I somehow managed to write four pages in less than two hours AND hand it in on time!!! Crazy stuff, right?? But I'm happy! And then, C's friend and I (I don't want to use his name. What should I call him??) talked, and during that time, I got to talk to C, too!! *Spazz spazz spazz spazz* Can you imagine how happy I was to talk to him, even as briefly as I did?? I haven't talked to him in like, a month! And now that his friend and i am friends, it's so easy and not at all awkward! :D Ahh, he is so foinnnneee. After class, his friend and I talked for like, ever! And U even showed him my shirt that says 'I'm here & I'm queer.' Lol. So we went to Wendy's and he got something to eat (and didn't finish it..lol) and even bought me a chocolate frosty! :9 Too kind, too kind!! And we still talked a LOT! Then, he drove me back to the school and he was talking about his wedding plans and his fiancée, and I was just so happy to hear about someone in a healthy, loving relationship, because a lot if people my age are not experiencing that kind of love or dedication right now, since we're all so young. I just love hearing the good news! Then, I told him that I had a lot of fun and he went to chill for a bit before his next class. I couldn't get over the awesomeness for like, a day! Friends with cars are cooool! Hahaha! Then I went home and did the usual stuff and told Tim all about it via Skype. He thinks C and I would make cute babies. I think he's right but let's not get too ahead of ourselves, here. Lol. I'm just happy we spoke... :) I hope to talk to him even more next week! <3
Now I'm going to post a few pictures from throughout the week.
1: some cream soda I had last Friday was good and then it was ok.
2: Lol, I accidentally got yogurt on my computer and it looked like pink cum... xP
3: New jeans that I'm wearing today! :)
4: my shirt from Wednesday since I didn't have school on Coming Out Day (Tues)
5: my outfit for today! :)

This entry is in 2 parts, since I couldn't send the first part for some reason on Monday.

P1:
I've been pretty boring lately. I don't go out, and there's nothing to do here. But I wish there was. So there wasn't much to blog about last week.
I think I left my phone at my mom's boyfriend's house, so I'm pretty much screwed. I probably won't have it for the rest of the week. I'm thinking that if I don't, they can just email me if anything comes up, since I check it all the time.
My mom said yesterday that she thinks I would be good if I majored in Fashion Design and that I can do a lot with it. I guess you could day that I had never really thought about it before. Fashion is a really important part of my life, but I never thought about it being my life. So maybe it's something I could look into and keep in the back of my head. I dunno.. I still want to be a teacher and a kawaisa rock star, so would I be able to do it all? It's a lot.
In other news, there's a high possibility that I might fail my theater test today. I kept getting this feeling like it really didn't matter...is that strange? Because I'm pretty sure that it would matter if I failed a test. I wish that they had everything up like Edline in high school so that I could see my grades. Also, I made the decision last week that I would talk to my crush (C) in person today or Wednesday, but man, am I nervous! Just thinking about it makes my stomach sick and twisty and like I really have to pee. He reminds me of my dad, but I hope that doesn't include the bad parts...after C was rude a few weeks ago, I just am so nervous. My fear is that he will embarrass me by ignoring me or acting like I'm not worth talking to, and I hate being embarrassed so much. Like, maybe I can just start a conversation with his friend instead. Why am I so socially awkward....
12:34AM



P2:
I'm Skyping with Tim now and his brother is being 13 in his room. I feel so bad for him! Well, actually, I'm not anymore, because he went to bed. I will, too, but first I must share with you this plan I've come up with to talk to C and possibly charm my way into his life.
I befriended his nice friend today merely by coincidence because we were in the same group together for English class. He is so nice!!!! C is a bit mean at times, but his friend is the nicest guy ever. No wonder he could befriend C. He's so nice that he can even soften the hard shell of this guy.
So anyway, I really enjoy talking to the friend, so I told him we should talk more! He was super nice about it and said something about a gathering with friends and his fiancee and I'm guessing that this was a brief invite! It's nice, right? I just can't get over that. There's gotta be something crazy wrong with him; he's too perfect! His girlfriend is so lucky to have him. He's smart, polite, helpful and understanding. KooL!
I'm not using the friend but it is a bit of a stepping stone. Here is the test, okay? On Wednesday, when I spark brief conversation with the friend before class starts, I'll also try to talk to C a bit. If C acts like I'm not worth talking to, then I'll ignore him and continue talking to the friend. But if he's nice, for ONE, it'll be totally unexpected! And for Two, I'll just continue to engage in conversation with him from there! :) I'm so excited; I just can't hide it! I'm coming out, I'm talking to C and I'm turning in a paper, too. Woooo hoooooo! ^^ I hope that he's nice...I hope he's so nice to me. I just want to know him. Is that so wrong? I can even be his homegirl. I don't care what kind of relationship we have, as long as we have one.

Taking up Space.

Sometimes, I feel like I will amount to nothing, and that all I really seem to do is take up space. Like I'm just a burden that everyone else feels like they are forced to carry.

Sometimes, I feel like, even though I have all these goals and dreams, that I will never actually follow through with any of them, and I'll be stuck doing something that I don't even like for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a really big talker who won't actually walk, because I'm afraid I'll fail, or I'll get stuck in a rut and not know where to go from there.

Other times, I feel like I'm alone, and no one can really relate to me or understand me, and that's why I'm single. And when people do like me, it's because they don't know anything about me, and all they see is a pretty face and a think ass, so I don't want to talk to them. I feel like there's no point in it whatsoever. What is there to gain from a conversation whenever someone can't seem to get past the way that I look?

I really believe that one can accomplish anything if they really put their mind to it, but it can be really difficult sometimes when you're the one struggling to believe that there is some destiny awaiting you and you just can't see it yet because you're crying so much that your tears are making everything look white and foggy, and you feel like you just won't amount to anything in life, even though you want to, very much. All I want is a happy, successful life full of love, but it's really difficult. It's like everything I do is wrong, or not enough. And I'm afraid to take risks and I feel like I just upset everyone. I wish that I could just live alone, so that I wouldn't have to worry about being a bother, but I'm not ready for that yet.

I have a headache from crying my eyes out, so I'm going to go now.