So, I was being kind of a bitch the other day, and now, I can't tell if my friend is mad at me or not. Of course, it was both of our faults, but I still feel like I was just being awful. Basically, I was feeling some pressure because I was worried that I was about to lose a friend. The friend and I were having a thing, like he liked me, and we've known each other forever, so I only see him as a friend, and always will. Afraid of him getting mad and losing his friendship, I wanted my *other* friend to Skype with me while I read the text messages so that I wouldn't be so nervous. I know it sounds silly, but it was stressing me out because some people can get really mad about stuff like rejection and don't take it very well. And I wanted someone to be there in case I cried or got sad if he said something really awful. So anyway, the friend I wanted to talk to was talking to someone else, so I waited for about 2 1/2 hours for him to finish his conversation so that I could have his time. But then I just started to get impatient, and eventually just got so fed up with waiting that I was actually mad, because all I wanted was to read them, talk for like 30 minutes and that was all. I didn't need to talk to him forever I just wanted to talk for a little bit if any dramu were to happen. So I made a post on tumblr about it and apparently I had said something that wasn't true, so he corrected me and I was just like whatever basically and just logged off of everything and watched a movie. I also never changed it because I didn't want to and it wasn't important and I was mad. Because when he needs me and I'm talking with someone I always put him as a priority. Like I would cut a convo a little shorter than usual with someone if he was triggered or something so that I could talk to him and bring his spirits up. And he didn't do that for me and I guess it just pissed me off.

The next morning, I woke up, and I wasn't even mad. I was like, what the hell was my problem? And just continued on with life. I ate, watched Misfits and got dressed to see Billy Elliot at the Fabulous Fox Theater with my grandma and her friends. We went out to eat first, though. But it was a great show. Oh, and I also checked the text messages that I was so worried about while I ate lunch after waking up. They weren't terrible at all! My friend just said that he had been holding in his feelings towards me for a really long time, and it's ok that I don't feel the same, because he will always be there for me. I was so relieved!

After I got home, I just finished my episode of Misfits and tumbled for like, ever, still not talking to my friend. We usually talk on Skype Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, so I checked my Skype since, obviously, we didn't talk on Friday because I was too busy being mad. No messages or missed calls!!! I was like, OK THEN. No messages on tumblr, either. Hmph. I was like, FINE. I DON'T NEED YOU THEN!!! But of course, I actually do, because, without him, life is so boring. Everyone else is too busy for me or too awkward to talk to. I don't even know how to describe him, but talking to him literally finishes off pretty much every day, for me. Because we just talk that much and it's never dull. And we talk about everything. Maybe I really am just being an unapologetic douchebag, but I just don't want to! If I do end up apologizing, it will be because I either threw away my pride temporarily or because he actually decided to start the conversation. Like, everything would be fine if he had started the conversation with me yesterday. He knew I was online, and he didn't even put in the effort. Which just made me mad all over again. Because I am basically always the 'conversation starter,' but sometimes I just get tired of doing that. And I realize that he's busy writing shit but still. Like he's always talking to his RPing friends and I know I'm important to him but sometimes people get too used to others being there, and eventually, they're gone. I don't want that to happen 'cause I'd be bored and I care. I guess I'm just selfish. Maybe I am really selfish.

Perhaps my greatest fear is that he'll get so used to not talking to me that he'll just forget until we're so much out of each other's lives that it doesn't matter anymore.

Not sure if completely logical or just ridiculous.

I'm thinking it's the second one.