I *NEVER* update.

So, I've been on Thanksgiving vacation for about 2 days, now, and I haven't done anything at all!!! I need to turn in a paper for English on Monday that's overdue, but I'm having the worst time thinking of things to write and getting the motivation to do so! I had terrible writer's block for a while, and now, I'm kind of afraid to do it and run into the same problem! I'm also kind of afraid it'll just suck. xP But whatever. I'm trying to see it like this: It's the last English paper I have to write for about a year!!! So I have to hang in there and stay genki! (Lol, I haven't heard anyone use that word in years.)
What have I been up to this past month? I can't remember if I mentioned seeing Billy Elliot at the Fox, but I probably did! My Nana is on vacation. My dad is alone in Kentucky, and my friend Tim is just depressed. I hope that I never become one of those people during the holidays that just gets depressed around this time, because that would suck.
I talked to my friend Nick last night, too! We Skyped for the first time ever, so that was coo'. He also lives in KY. I haven't talked to him face-to-face in several years, and the last time I talked to him on the phone, I was 15. I think the last time I saw him, I was still young and living with my dad and 15. I'm 18, now, and I'll be 19 in January next year. I really can't believe it. I hope some really great things happen for me next year, as well as my friends and family!
Ah, maybe you're wondering about my crush? Ok, probably not. But I'll tell you, anyway. CC actually addresses me by my name, talks to me every time we have class together (lol, so that's twice a week...), and we're just on a pretty good turf - so much better than before! You know, I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in which we were hanging out alone, finally, and we were talking a LOT. Then, as I was saying something, he kissed me! I was flustered, so I ignored it, because I have this thing where I try not to make a spectacle of anything unless it's appropriate, I guess..? Ok, I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, a lot of people kiss, so I just thought that maybe he was curious and it was just a 'friend kiss' in the dream, which is what I would also think in real life. It's not more than a 'friend kiss' unless one of you says, 'would you be mine?? Please, be my baby!' Haha! :) Because that's how things always get complicated in TV shows!
Anyway, as I was trying to say, I ignored the fact that I had totally just gotten to meet lips with the most attractive boy I have ever seen in my life. So then, we were walking around and talking even more, and as he was saying something, I decided to kiss him. So, once more, we conversed, and he kissed me again, and then he said something along the lines of, "Well, now that we're more than friends..." And I said, "Wait!!...We are..??" So he laughed, and said, "Why would I kiss you if I didn't like you?" And I was like, "I don't know!!" He was so nice to me in that dream. But when I woke up, I realized that it was not reality. That was not the real life, and it sucked, because it really felt so real when I was asleep.
One more thing I would like to touch base on is the fact that I don't think I want to just be a girl anymore. I wrote about this in my tumblr, so here I am, writing this again. It feels almost unnatural, like I'm a different person in the way that I feel. I don't feel like Jisu anymore; I feel. Like...somebody else. And not at all in a bad way. I just feel like I want to be a boy sometimes. I just want to be male. But I also enjoy being female. I wish that I could fully change back and forth like it was nothing. Sometimes, I could have a penis. Occasionally, I could have a vagina. IDK. Whatever is working for me that day, you know. It'd be nice. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people because I don't want to be looked at as if I'm a freak. When, in truth, I am a freak, and that's what makes me so grand. But I'm afraid to be my completely grand self and just charge on as a very queer individual. Staying in my comfort zone would mean that I just stayed the way that I am now. And really, I love the 'me' that I currently am. I am flawed, of course, but I really like myself. It took me so long to get to this point, though, so if I was to add in a whole different part of me that isn't Jisu and is instead someone who may or may not be a dude, it would just get so complicated. I don't want to have to explain why I was kawaii yesterday, but today, I'm really masculine and look completely different. I mean, if I was a bystander, friend, or family member, I would want to know what was going on with me, too, but sometimes, things are just so hard to talk about. Or you just don't want to talk about them. I think that I will definitely go through with these feelings of mine at some point when I'm comfortable, but I don't know if I want to do that right away. Otherwise, I might get overwhelmed. I usually don't care how other people see me or what they think of me, but since this is just totally different than any hate that I could have possibly gotten before (i.e. 'dyke,' 'lesbian,' 'gay,' 'ratchet,' etc. That last one is really fucking dumb, though), I simply don't know how to prepare myself for this. I'll have to figure out how to sometime. I'm just going to lay low in that department for now, though.