I *NEVER* update.

So, I've been on Thanksgiving vacation for about 2 days, now, and I haven't done anything at all!!! I need to turn in a paper for English on Monday that's overdue, but I'm having the worst time thinking of things to write and getting the motivation to do so! I had terrible writer's block for a while, and now, I'm kind of afraid to do it and run into the same problem! I'm also kind of afraid it'll just suck. xP But whatever. I'm trying to see it like this: It's the last English paper I have to write for about a year!!! So I have to hang in there and stay genki! (Lol, I haven't heard anyone use that word in years.)
What have I been up to this past month? I can't remember if I mentioned seeing Billy Elliot at the Fox, but I probably did! My Nana is on vacation. My dad is alone in Kentucky, and my friend Tim is just depressed. I hope that I never become one of those people during the holidays that just gets depressed around this time, because that would suck.
I talked to my friend Nick last night, too! We Skyped for the first time ever, so that was coo'. He also lives in KY. I haven't talked to him face-to-face in several years, and the last time I talked to him on the phone, I was 15. I think the last time I saw him, I was still young and living with my dad and 15. I'm 18, now, and I'll be 19 in January next year. I really can't believe it. I hope some really great things happen for me next year, as well as my friends and family!
Ah, maybe you're wondering about my crush? Ok, probably not. But I'll tell you, anyway. CC actually addresses me by my name, talks to me every time we have class together (lol, so that's twice a week...), and we're just on a pretty good turf - so much better than before! You know, I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in which we were hanging out alone, finally, and we were talking a LOT. Then, as I was saying something, he kissed me! I was flustered, so I ignored it, because I have this thing where I try not to make a spectacle of anything unless it's appropriate, I guess..? Ok, I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, a lot of people kiss, so I just thought that maybe he was curious and it was just a 'friend kiss' in the dream, which is what I would also think in real life. It's not more than a 'friend kiss' unless one of you says, 'would you be mine?? Please, be my baby!' Haha! :) Because that's how things always get complicated in TV shows!
Anyway, as I was trying to say, I ignored the fact that I had totally just gotten to meet lips with the most attractive boy I have ever seen in my life. So then, we were walking around and talking even more, and as he was saying something, I decided to kiss him. So, once more, we conversed, and he kissed me again, and then he said something along the lines of, "Well, now that we're more than friends..." And I said, "Wait!!...We are..??" So he laughed, and said, "Why would I kiss you if I didn't like you?" And I was like, "I don't know!!" He was so nice to me in that dream. But when I woke up, I realized that it was not reality. That was not the real life, and it sucked, because it really felt so real when I was asleep.
One more thing I would like to touch base on is the fact that I don't think I want to just be a girl anymore. I wrote about this in my tumblr, so here I am, writing this again. It feels almost unnatural, like I'm a different person in the way that I feel. I don't feel like Jisu anymore; I feel. Like...somebody else. And not at all in a bad way. I just feel like I want to be a boy sometimes. I just want to be male. But I also enjoy being female. I wish that I could fully change back and forth like it was nothing. Sometimes, I could have a penis. Occasionally, I could have a vagina. IDK. Whatever is working for me that day, you know. It'd be nice. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people because I don't want to be looked at as if I'm a freak. When, in truth, I am a freak, and that's what makes me so grand. But I'm afraid to be my completely grand self and just charge on as a very queer individual. Staying in my comfort zone would mean that I just stayed the way that I am now. And really, I love the 'me' that I currently am. I am flawed, of course, but I really like myself. It took me so long to get to this point, though, so if I was to add in a whole different part of me that isn't Jisu and is instead someone who may or may not be a dude, it would just get so complicated. I don't want to have to explain why I was kawaii yesterday, but today, I'm really masculine and look completely different. I mean, if I was a bystander, friend, or family member, I would want to know what was going on with me, too, but sometimes, things are just so hard to talk about. Or you just don't want to talk about them. I think that I will definitely go through with these feelings of mine at some point when I'm comfortable, but I don't know if I want to do that right away. Otherwise, I might get overwhelmed. I usually don't care how other people see me or what they think of me, but since this is just totally different than any hate that I could have possibly gotten before (i.e. 'dyke,' 'lesbian,' 'gay,' 'ratchet,' etc. That last one is really fucking dumb, though), I simply don't know how to prepare myself for this. I'll have to figure out how to sometime. I'm just going to lay low in that department for now, though.

Oh, man.

I had a dream last night that I was in New York City, and I was in a group of people that either were just in a class that I had, or were a bunch of people I know. C was one of them. Just thinking about him, even just in a dream, makes my stomach feel knotted, and my heart pound really fast. I get so nervous around him. It's embarrassing... All I remember is that he was there, my friend Kier was there, and some other people from my sociology and English classes. The reason I remember it being those two classes, specifically, is because I don't have a lot of friends or friendly acquaintances in those classes. They both have a very get-in, get-out kind of vibe. Maybe it's because my Soc class is first thing in the morning - good thing I have at least one friend in it, though! She makes everything not boring. And English class is my last class every day. We don't get to talk much in it, and my crush is also in that class. I stopped sitting behind him because it literally pains me to look at him every single day. It's like he's so close, but he's so far away that I can't seem to reach him. I don't know...I wish I could explain it. Basically, what I mean is that I feel like I can't talk to him. Like I'm just not invited or even allowed, even if it's before class time. I feel like he either doesn't care or doesn't like me. Idk. We had good chemistry at the beginning of class (like, in August or September), but once I started liking him, everything just changed. Was it for the better? I don't know. I just wish it was easier to talk to him and not so painful, like I said earlier.

Anyway, back on topic. I'll write about the pain he causes me later on in this entry, perhaps. Or another time. So, there was Kier and C, and some other folks I don't quite remember. My mass communications teacher was also there, so that's strange. We were visiting a museum for something, and I don't remember what. I think it was the history of something. By the time we were done going through it, it was really late at night, and we were all leaving the museum because it was about to close. But then, I saw it: A section of the museum in dedication to John Lennon. It had this cool graphic of him on a piece of cardboard, and somewhere in smaller letters underneath, it said, "Coming in 2012."

I spazzed. In real life, I don't know very much about John Lennon, but I did learn a few things recently, and he was a pretty cool and talented guy who died too young. There's this song that my mom used to sing to me by him, called "Oh My Love." It makes me cry every time. Just thinking about it now is making me tear up. It's a very significant song to me. I only recently discovered that it was by him. So in the dream, I don't really know what it was that triggered this reaction, but I ran into the area where the construction for it was being done and tripped over something and landed on something else. C laughed at me (for some reason, this was the only time he showed up in my dream..) without even looking me in the eye, and followed the rest of our student group outside. "He must have thought I am such a fool," I remember thinking to myself. I was hurt. He didn't look at me again, even when everyone else is glancing over as they pass by. He never looks at me, and that's all I want from him. As I was looking around me at the work that they had done so far for the John Lennon project, I saw a flickering screen that I had accidentally uncovered when I tripped that had him and Yoko Ono on it doing something. Like, Yoko had just won an award and had flowers, and Lennon was happy for her. They were happy together. I looked around me, and for some reason, everything had thick, tan burlap covering them up - except the cardboard picture and the screen, of course. When I tried to get up, I accidentally ran into something else and it made a really loud noise. I couldn't figure out how to stop it, so I covered it back up and ran away. Tried to run away, I should say. I saw my mass comm teacher, and he said something to me about liking John Lennon. He was nice to me in the dream, just like he is in real life. He was the only one nice to me. I remember passing Kier at some point, and she didn't help me at all. She just watched me as I passed by.

I ran for a while, until I got to this strange place. I don't know why, but I had run past the exits that everyone was leaving from. I wanted to leave by going out of these other doors that were connected to the John Lennon project. Everything was classic black. There were these two lavendery-purple line separators, like you would see at a movie theater box office, and doors at the end of them that were also black. Above the doors in the center, there was the artsy picture of him. So I ran past Apparently, my respect for Lennon wasn't unshared. There were many teens leaving the building through these doors, too. And one started to sing, "Oh, my love, for the first time in my life, my eyes are wide open." A bunch of other people joined in, too. A straight couple, some random blonde girl and some guy with black hair. I wanted to sing, too, but I was too scared.

I ran outside, and some men in a police car offered to drive me home. I got in the car with them, and they told me to tell them how to get to my house. I kept trying to tell them my address, instead, but they wouldn't let me tell them it, even though they had a GPS system. I told them that I didn't know how to get there, and so they started driving around in circles. I got really mad, so I started screaming my address at them over and over again, and they all started yelling at me to sit down and shut up, basically, But they eventually ended up just dropping me off at some corner near an insane asylum and driving off. I was cold, lonely, and frightened. Did I mention that I didn't have my phone? Then, I woke up.