Hey, Blogger. So, my feet smell really awful right now because I was wearing my pretty Mary Jane pink Chinese shoes. I can't tell if my feet have just stunk up my shoes, or if I just really need to buy a new pair. I've only had this pair for a few months!!!
I just finished doing some chores and wrapping a present for my mom. So now, I want to make something. I don't want to write my paper. I wish my mom would realize that, when I get in that 'writing mood,' I need to write right then and there. I can't write later. I need to write in that exact moment. Or I'll lose the mood and I will never ever do my homework.
The bad news is that there is nothing for me to watch because all of my shows didn't come on this week, because it's ~Thanksgiving week.~ So I'm confused because I don't know what to do with my time, other than what I should do. If La Cage Au Folles is on 1channel, I am going to watch it.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I *NEVER* update.
So, I've been on Thanksgiving vacation for about 2 days, now, and I haven't done anything at all!!! I need to turn in a paper for English on Monday that's overdue, but I'm having the worst time thinking of things to write and getting the motivation to do so! I had terrible writer's block for a while, and now, I'm kind of afraid to do it and run into the same problem! I'm also kind of afraid it'll just suck. xP But whatever. I'm trying to see it like this: It's the last English paper I have to write for about a year!!! So I have to hang in there and stay genki! (Lol, I haven't heard anyone use that word in years.)
What have I been up to this past month? I can't remember if I mentioned seeing Billy Elliot at the Fox, but I probably did! My Nana is on vacation. My dad is alone in Kentucky, and my friend Tim is just depressed. I hope that I never become one of those people during the holidays that just gets depressed around this time, because that would suck.
I talked to my friend Nick last night, too! We Skyped for the first time ever, so that was coo'. He also lives in KY. I haven't talked to him face-to-face in several years, and the last time I talked to him on the phone, I was 15. I think the last time I saw him, I was still young and living with my dad and 15. I'm 18, now, and I'll be 19 in January next year. I really can't believe it. I hope some really great things happen for me next year, as well as my friends and family!
Ah, maybe you're wondering about my crush? Ok, probably not. But I'll tell you, anyway. CC actually addresses me by my name, talks to me every time we have class together (lol, so that's twice a week...), and we're just on a pretty good turf - so much better than before! You know, I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in which we were hanging out alone, finally, and we were talking a LOT. Then, as I was saying something, he kissed me! I was flustered, so I ignored it, because I have this thing where I try not to make a spectacle of anything unless it's appropriate, I guess..? Ok, I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, a lot of people kiss, so I just thought that maybe he was curious and it was just a 'friend kiss' in the dream, which is what I would also think in real life. It's not more than a 'friend kiss' unless one of you says, 'would you be mine?? Please, be my baby!' Haha! :) Because that's how things always get complicated in TV shows!
Anyway, as I was trying to say, I ignored the fact that I had totally just gotten to meet lips with the most attractive boy I have ever seen in my life. So then, we were walking around and talking even more, and as he was saying something, I decided to kiss him. So, once more, we conversed, and he kissed me again, and then he said something along the lines of, "Well, now that we're more than friends..." And I said, "Wait!!...We are..??" So he laughed, and said, "Why would I kiss you if I didn't like you?" And I was like, "I don't know!!" He was so nice to me in that dream. But when I woke up, I realized that it was not reality. That was not the real life, and it sucked, because it really felt so real when I was asleep.
One more thing I would like to touch base on is the fact that I don't think I want to just be a girl anymore. I wrote about this in my tumblr, so here I am, writing this again. It feels almost unnatural, like I'm a different person in the way that I feel. I don't feel like Jisu anymore; I feel. Like...somebody else. And not at all in a bad way. I just feel like I want to be a boy sometimes. I just want to be male. But I also enjoy being female. I wish that I could fully change back and forth like it was nothing. Sometimes, I could have a penis. Occasionally, I could have a vagina. IDK. Whatever is working for me that day, you know. It'd be nice. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people because I don't want to be looked at as if I'm a freak. When, in truth, I am a freak, and that's what makes me so grand. But I'm afraid to be my completely grand self and just charge on as a very queer individual. Staying in my comfort zone would mean that I just stayed the way that I am now. And really, I love the 'me' that I currently am. I am flawed, of course, but I really like myself. It took me so long to get to this point, though, so if I was to add in a whole different part of me that isn't Jisu and is instead someone who may or may not be a dude, it would just get so complicated. I don't want to have to explain why I was kawaii yesterday, but today, I'm really masculine and look completely different. I mean, if I was a bystander, friend, or family member, I would want to know what was going on with me, too, but sometimes, things are just so hard to talk about. Or you just don't want to talk about them. I think that I will definitely go through with these feelings of mine at some point when I'm comfortable, but I don't know if I want to do that right away. Otherwise, I might get overwhelmed. I usually don't care how other people see me or what they think of me, but since this is just totally different than any hate that I could have possibly gotten before (i.e. 'dyke,' 'lesbian,' 'gay,' 'ratchet,' etc. That last one is really fucking dumb, though), I simply don't know how to prepare myself for this. I'll have to figure out how to sometime. I'm just going to lay low in that department for now, though.
What have I been up to this past month? I can't remember if I mentioned seeing Billy Elliot at the Fox, but I probably did! My Nana is on vacation. My dad is alone in Kentucky, and my friend Tim is just depressed. I hope that I never become one of those people during the holidays that just gets depressed around this time, because that would suck.
I talked to my friend Nick last night, too! We Skyped for the first time ever, so that was coo'. He also lives in KY. I haven't talked to him face-to-face in several years, and the last time I talked to him on the phone, I was 15. I think the last time I saw him, I was still young and living with my dad and 15. I'm 18, now, and I'll be 19 in January next year. I really can't believe it. I hope some really great things happen for me next year, as well as my friends and family!
Ah, maybe you're wondering about my crush? Ok, probably not. But I'll tell you, anyway. CC actually addresses me by my name, talks to me every time we have class together (lol, so that's twice a week...), and we're just on a pretty good turf - so much better than before! You know, I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in which we were hanging out alone, finally, and we were talking a LOT. Then, as I was saying something, he kissed me! I was flustered, so I ignored it, because I have this thing where I try not to make a spectacle of anything unless it's appropriate, I guess..? Ok, I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, a lot of people kiss, so I just thought that maybe he was curious and it was just a 'friend kiss' in the dream, which is what I would also think in real life. It's not more than a 'friend kiss' unless one of you says, 'would you be mine?? Please, be my baby!' Haha! :) Because that's how things always get complicated in TV shows!
Anyway, as I was trying to say, I ignored the fact that I had totally just gotten to meet lips with the most attractive boy I have ever seen in my life. So then, we were walking around and talking even more, and as he was saying something, I decided to kiss him. So, once more, we conversed, and he kissed me again, and then he said something along the lines of, "Well, now that we're more than friends..." And I said, "Wait!!...We are..??" So he laughed, and said, "Why would I kiss you if I didn't like you?" And I was like, "I don't know!!" He was so nice to me in that dream. But when I woke up, I realized that it was not reality. That was not the real life, and it sucked, because it really felt so real when I was asleep.
One more thing I would like to touch base on is the fact that I don't think I want to just be a girl anymore. I wrote about this in my tumblr, so here I am, writing this again. It feels almost unnatural, like I'm a different person in the way that I feel. I don't feel like Jisu anymore; I feel. Like...somebody else. And not at all in a bad way. I just feel like I want to be a boy sometimes. I just want to be male. But I also enjoy being female. I wish that I could fully change back and forth like it was nothing. Sometimes, I could have a penis. Occasionally, I could have a vagina. IDK. Whatever is working for me that day, you know. It'd be nice. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people because I don't want to be looked at as if I'm a freak. When, in truth, I am a freak, and that's what makes me so grand. But I'm afraid to be my completely grand self and just charge on as a very queer individual. Staying in my comfort zone would mean that I just stayed the way that I am now. And really, I love the 'me' that I currently am. I am flawed, of course, but I really like myself. It took me so long to get to this point, though, so if I was to add in a whole different part of me that isn't Jisu and is instead someone who may or may not be a dude, it would just get so complicated. I don't want to have to explain why I was kawaii yesterday, but today, I'm really masculine and look completely different. I mean, if I was a bystander, friend, or family member, I would want to know what was going on with me, too, but sometimes, things are just so hard to talk about. Or you just don't want to talk about them. I think that I will definitely go through with these feelings of mine at some point when I'm comfortable, but I don't know if I want to do that right away. Otherwise, I might get overwhelmed. I usually don't care how other people see me or what they think of me, but since this is just totally different than any hate that I could have possibly gotten before (i.e. 'dyke,' 'lesbian,' 'gay,' 'ratchet,' etc. That last one is really fucking dumb, though), I simply don't know how to prepare myself for this. I'll have to figure out how to sometime. I'm just going to lay low in that department for now, though.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Just another day.
Bleh. I miss my friend being with me in class. I wish she hadn't moved. Now Sociology class is so boring. And not worth attending.
I don't know if I want to go today. I will be so bored. I want to sleep or just chill. This class sux. For real. I might skip it today because it just sucks that much.
In other news, my friend and I made up. Yay. He should have been mad, but he wasn't.
By the way, I never did post a picture of my Halloween costume! I even came to school with it on. 8) I loved it so much! Barely anyone dressed up that day, but I was so glad that I wasn't the only one! :9 I was Wonder Woman from Wonder Woman: Odyssey. I posted 5 pictures here, just so the detail could be seen. :3
Off to boring class, I guess.
I don't know if I want to go today. I will be so bored. I want to sleep or just chill. This class sux. For real. I might skip it today because it just sucks that much.
In other news, my friend and I made up. Yay. He should have been mad, but he wasn't.
By the way, I never did post a picture of my Halloween costume! I even came to school with it on. 8) I loved it so much! Barely anyone dressed up that day, but I was so glad that I wasn't the only one! :9 I was Wonder Woman from Wonder Woman: Odyssey. I posted 5 pictures here, just so the detail could be seen. :3
Off to boring class, I guess.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
So, I was being kind of a bitch the other day, and now, I can't tell if my friend is mad at me or not. Of course, it was both of our faults, but I still feel like I was just being awful. Basically, I was feeling some pressure because I was worried that I was about to lose a friend. The friend and I were having a thing, like he liked me, and we've known each other forever, so I only see him as a friend, and always will. Afraid of him getting mad and losing his friendship, I wanted my *other* friend to Skype with me while I read the text messages so that I wouldn't be so nervous. I know it sounds silly, but it was stressing me out because some people can get really mad about stuff like rejection and don't take it very well. And I wanted someone to be there in case I cried or got sad if he said something really awful. So anyway, the friend I wanted to talk to was talking to someone else, so I waited for about 2 1/2 hours for him to finish his conversation so that I could have his time. But then I just started to get impatient, and eventually just got so fed up with waiting that I was actually mad, because all I wanted was to read them, talk for like 30 minutes and that was all. I didn't need to talk to him forever I just wanted to talk for a little bit if any dramu were to happen. So I made a post on tumblr about it and apparently I had said something that wasn't true, so he corrected me and I was just like whatever basically and just logged off of everything and watched a movie. I also never changed it because I didn't want to and it wasn't important and I was mad. Because when he needs me and I'm talking with someone I always put him as a priority. Like I would cut a convo a little shorter than usual with someone if he was triggered or something so that I could talk to him and bring his spirits up. And he didn't do that for me and I guess it just pissed me off.
The next morning, I woke up, and I wasn't even mad. I was like, what the hell was my problem? And just continued on with life. I ate, watched Misfits and got dressed to see Billy Elliot at the Fabulous Fox Theater with my grandma and her friends. We went out to eat first, though. But it was a great show. Oh, and I also checked the text messages that I was so worried about while I ate lunch after waking up. They weren't terrible at all! My friend just said that he had been holding in his feelings towards me for a really long time, and it's ok that I don't feel the same, because he will always be there for me. I was so relieved!
After I got home, I just finished my episode of Misfits and tumbled for like, ever, still not talking to my friend. We usually talk on Skype Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, so I checked my Skype since, obviously, we didn't talk on Friday because I was too busy being mad. No messages or missed calls!!! I was like, OK THEN. No messages on tumblr, either. Hmph. I was like, FINE. I DON'T NEED YOU THEN!!! But of course, I actually do, because, without him, life is so boring. Everyone else is too busy for me or too awkward to talk to. I don't even know how to describe him, but talking to him literally finishes off pretty much every day, for me. Because we just talk that much and it's never dull. And we talk about everything. Maybe I really am just being an unapologetic douchebag, but I just don't want to! If I do end up apologizing, it will be because I either threw away my pride temporarily or because he actually decided to start the conversation. Like, everything would be fine if he had started the conversation with me yesterday. He knew I was online, and he didn't even put in the effort. Which just made me mad all over again. Because I am basically always the 'conversation starter,' but sometimes I just get tired of doing that. And I realize that he's busy writing shit but still. Like he's always talking to his RPing friends and I know I'm important to him but sometimes people get too used to others being there, and eventually, they're gone. I don't want that to happen 'cause I'd be bored and I care. I guess I'm just selfish. Maybe I am really selfish.
Perhaps my greatest fear is that he'll get so used to not talking to me that he'll just forget until we're so much out of each other's lives that it doesn't matter anymore.
Not sure if completely logical or just ridiculous.
I'm thinking it's the second one.
The next morning, I woke up, and I wasn't even mad. I was like, what the hell was my problem? And just continued on with life. I ate, watched Misfits and got dressed to see Billy Elliot at the Fabulous Fox Theater with my grandma and her friends. We went out to eat first, though. But it was a great show. Oh, and I also checked the text messages that I was so worried about while I ate lunch after waking up. They weren't terrible at all! My friend just said that he had been holding in his feelings towards me for a really long time, and it's ok that I don't feel the same, because he will always be there for me. I was so relieved!
After I got home, I just finished my episode of Misfits and tumbled for like, ever, still not talking to my friend. We usually talk on Skype Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, so I checked my Skype since, obviously, we didn't talk on Friday because I was too busy being mad. No messages or missed calls!!! I was like, OK THEN. No messages on tumblr, either. Hmph. I was like, FINE. I DON'T NEED YOU THEN!!! But of course, I actually do, because, without him, life is so boring. Everyone else is too busy for me or too awkward to talk to. I don't even know how to describe him, but talking to him literally finishes off pretty much every day, for me. Because we just talk that much and it's never dull. And we talk about everything. Maybe I really am just being an unapologetic douchebag, but I just don't want to! If I do end up apologizing, it will be because I either threw away my pride temporarily or because he actually decided to start the conversation. Like, everything would be fine if he had started the conversation with me yesterday. He knew I was online, and he didn't even put in the effort. Which just made me mad all over again. Because I am basically always the 'conversation starter,' but sometimes I just get tired of doing that. And I realize that he's busy writing shit but still. Like he's always talking to his RPing friends and I know I'm important to him but sometimes people get too used to others being there, and eventually, they're gone. I don't want that to happen 'cause I'd be bored and I care. I guess I'm just selfish. Maybe I am really selfish.
Perhaps my greatest fear is that he'll get so used to not talking to me that he'll just forget until we're so much out of each other's lives that it doesn't matter anymore.
Not sure if completely logical or just ridiculous.
I'm thinking it's the second one.
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