Hi! I got these ridiculous gifts for SR at the aquarium yesterday~ wanna see??

Fool's Gold! I plan on writing a note that says something like, "SR, This is what I am not. I'm the real deal." Lol. And then, this little guy:

A pet rock. XD Because he seems to spend so much of his time by himself whenever he should be with family and friends! When he gets this, he will never have to be alone again! He'll probably think these gifts are the best ever because he'll laugh. That's honestly the only reason I got them. Because I knew he'd think it was funny and I love making him laugh. :}
Well, anyway, I've gotta hit the hay soon! Tomorrow (today) is gonna be a pretty busy day! Happy New Year's Eve!
What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? by Me (Jisu)

Sometimes when I look at or think about certain things, I just randomly start crying for no real reason. What are my eyes doing?? I really don't know.
So, today, I came up with a really great quote (that I tried to send to Blogger and it didn't send,for some reason):

The day to live is today.

What am I even talking about, you might ask? Well, I was thinking about all of the things I have been through in the past that have held me back, and it made me realize why I am the way I am. It really made me think about why I try to see everything in such a positive light, even when times make it difficult to do so. It's because I've realized that the life I'm living now is so much better than I ever thought it would be. It's so much better than what I had wanted when I was younger. I wanted to be thin, I wanted to be beautiful, and I wanted to be successful. But what am I, now, that's even better than all of that? I'm happy. I'm really, truly happy with myself and I like me, and I think that that is what truly makes me feel beautiful. Yes, there are things that I could improve on, but for the most part, I'm proud of who I've become. And after all the bullshit, I can still smile and say that all of those things are behind me. I have to live for what is happening now, not what happened 10 years ago. There's no day like today to take advantage of what you can have in your life. There's no day like today to be you and take charge of your life, doing things you've always dreamt of but never thought you could do. You can't let other people bring you down to their level. Other people think that you can't do certain things because they don't think they could, either. But I truly believe with all of my heart that there's no better day to live than today.

So, it's a Thursday early morning and I'm thinking about this new guy that I have a crush on, for some reason. Uncreatively, I'll call him SR. I think that the dumbest thing about liking someone is that you're always wondering things about them. Like, what time does he have to wake up in the morning for his job? Before he fell asleep, was he thinking about me? Has he ever masturbated to me before? Just common, normal thoughts are spiraling around in my head right now. Just some completely average thoughts, you know. Lol. But seriously, though. I do wonder these things! I wonder if other people do, too. All of these things.
I feel so relieved, telling him how I feel after only liking him for about a month or two. It's so much easier than it was with C. I was afraid of how he would react, but SR is so kind and sweet and easy to talk to, unlike C. C could be so mean sometimes, just like my dad. But SR is too nice and funny and I love being around him! :) He makes me feel comfortable and just, like. Right. You know? We have things in common and he's the perfect combination of silly and mature, which just makes sense for me. If I am with someone, I need them to be mature enough to deal with me but silly enough to understand my bizarre sense of humor. Which he does. And that makes me happy. :D Just thinking about him makes me happy and my face gets so warm! Even if we're not together forever, I feel like we wouldn't break up and it would be this whole ordeal. I feel like we could still talk, which is really nice.
Well, anyway, since I began the conversation both Tuesday and Wednesday, I think that I'll just wait for him to today. I hope he won't forget! I like talking to him; he's so interesting!

Sometimes, I think I see myself in him, and it frustrates me to the core because I want him to be better than me. And he just doesn't get that. I just care about him so much and I wish that he could understand and comprehend that there's more to life than what he is dealing with, and that I do understand his feelings. Obviously, I will never totally get them because he is him and I am me, but I have dealt with things in my life, too, that I don't like to think or talk about, and that I won't think or talk about because I have better things to do. And it just made me cry today because I was just thinking about all the shit that has happened to me and I haven't thought about it in so long. I'd even go as far as saying that I had forgotten completely because I didn't want to remember it all.
I was an outcast in school. Most people didn't like me, and my best friend had a lot of issues, too. We were meant to be. I was weird, awkward and didn't really get myself, and my best friend was the 'shining star' - the one everyone loved and was drawn to. No one ever cared about me if she was around, including me, sometimes. And before that, in elementary school, I was always being made fun of. I was called fat and ugly and no one ever wanted to play with me because I was a bully. And I was a bully because I honestly didn't know it was wrong. I thought 'fight back if someone tries to hurt you' meant 'fight people if they upset you.' Which was often, and not at all the same thing. And my issues with my dad, and the cutting. And the obsession with my weight. I would cry all the time because I felt so awful and ugly and just terrible. There was this one time when I was sitting alone at home because my dad was always at work or school, and I got one of the kitchen knives and put it really close to my chest. My hand was shaking. "I can't do it," I thought. "I'm a coward. I'll never be able to do it." And the tears started streaming because I just wanted to die. So I can't tell if I'm mad at him (my friend) for having the audacity to think that I can't understand, or if I'm crying my eyes out because I just love him so much and we're so much alike, and all I want is the best for him and I can't give him that. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I just want to go to sleep and stop thinking about everything in my life that has gone wrong. There's a reason I don't think about these things.
I know my life isn't awful - it's so far from that, now. But I had to go through some things to get to where I am today. I know that some of the things that I've dealt with pale in comparison to others, but it doesn't really matter. I'm thankful that I am here now and that I'm blessed. I just wanted to end this post on a high note. I feel much better after writing all of that out.

Have you ever bathed and, while bathing, just let the water run over your head, and smell the water? I know it sounds weird, but I just got out of the shower and did that. It made me think a lot, and it also calmed me immensely.