Hi! I got these ridiculous gifts for SR at the aquarium yesterday~ wanna see??

Fool's Gold! I plan on writing a note that says something like, "SR, This is what I am not. I'm the real deal." Lol. And then, this little guy:

A pet rock. XD Because he seems to spend so much of his time by himself whenever he should be with family and friends! When he gets this, he will never have to be alone again! He'll probably think these gifts are the best ever because he'll laugh. That's honestly the only reason I got them. Because I knew he'd think it was funny and I love making him laugh. :}
Well, anyway, I've gotta hit the hay soon! Tomorrow (today) is gonna be a pretty busy day! Happy New Year's Eve!
What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? by Me (Jisu)

Sometimes when I look at or think about certain things, I just randomly start crying for no real reason. What are my eyes doing?? I really don't know.
So, today, I came up with a really great quote (that I tried to send to Blogger and it didn't send,for some reason):

The day to live is today.

What am I even talking about, you might ask? Well, I was thinking about all of the things I have been through in the past that have held me back, and it made me realize why I am the way I am. It really made me think about why I try to see everything in such a positive light, even when times make it difficult to do so. It's because I've realized that the life I'm living now is so much better than I ever thought it would be. It's so much better than what I had wanted when I was younger. I wanted to be thin, I wanted to be beautiful, and I wanted to be successful. But what am I, now, that's even better than all of that? I'm happy. I'm really, truly happy with myself and I like me, and I think that that is what truly makes me feel beautiful. Yes, there are things that I could improve on, but for the most part, I'm proud of who I've become. And after all the bullshit, I can still smile and say that all of those things are behind me. I have to live for what is happening now, not what happened 10 years ago. There's no day like today to take advantage of what you can have in your life. There's no day like today to be you and take charge of your life, doing things you've always dreamt of but never thought you could do. You can't let other people bring you down to their level. Other people think that you can't do certain things because they don't think they could, either. But I truly believe with all of my heart that there's no better day to live than today.

So, it's a Thursday early morning and I'm thinking about this new guy that I have a crush on, for some reason. Uncreatively, I'll call him SR. I think that the dumbest thing about liking someone is that you're always wondering things about them. Like, what time does he have to wake up in the morning for his job? Before he fell asleep, was he thinking about me? Has he ever masturbated to me before? Just common, normal thoughts are spiraling around in my head right now. Just some completely average thoughts, you know. Lol. But seriously, though. I do wonder these things! I wonder if other people do, too. All of these things.
I feel so relieved, telling him how I feel after only liking him for about a month or two. It's so much easier than it was with C. I was afraid of how he would react, but SR is so kind and sweet and easy to talk to, unlike C. C could be so mean sometimes, just like my dad. But SR is too nice and funny and I love being around him! :) He makes me feel comfortable and just, like. Right. You know? We have things in common and he's the perfect combination of silly and mature, which just makes sense for me. If I am with someone, I need them to be mature enough to deal with me but silly enough to understand my bizarre sense of humor. Which he does. And that makes me happy. :D Just thinking about him makes me happy and my face gets so warm! Even if we're not together forever, I feel like we wouldn't break up and it would be this whole ordeal. I feel like we could still talk, which is really nice.
Well, anyway, since I began the conversation both Tuesday and Wednesday, I think that I'll just wait for him to today. I hope he won't forget! I like talking to him; he's so interesting!

Sometimes, I think I see myself in him, and it frustrates me to the core because I want him to be better than me. And he just doesn't get that. I just care about him so much and I wish that he could understand and comprehend that there's more to life than what he is dealing with, and that I do understand his feelings. Obviously, I will never totally get them because he is him and I am me, but I have dealt with things in my life, too, that I don't like to think or talk about, and that I won't think or talk about because I have better things to do. And it just made me cry today because I was just thinking about all the shit that has happened to me and I haven't thought about it in so long. I'd even go as far as saying that I had forgotten completely because I didn't want to remember it all.
I was an outcast in school. Most people didn't like me, and my best friend had a lot of issues, too. We were meant to be. I was weird, awkward and didn't really get myself, and my best friend was the 'shining star' - the one everyone loved and was drawn to. No one ever cared about me if she was around, including me, sometimes. And before that, in elementary school, I was always being made fun of. I was called fat and ugly and no one ever wanted to play with me because I was a bully. And I was a bully because I honestly didn't know it was wrong. I thought 'fight back if someone tries to hurt you' meant 'fight people if they upset you.' Which was often, and not at all the same thing. And my issues with my dad, and the cutting. And the obsession with my weight. I would cry all the time because I felt so awful and ugly and just terrible. There was this one time when I was sitting alone at home because my dad was always at work or school, and I got one of the kitchen knives and put it really close to my chest. My hand was shaking. "I can't do it," I thought. "I'm a coward. I'll never be able to do it." And the tears started streaming because I just wanted to die. So I can't tell if I'm mad at him (my friend) for having the audacity to think that I can't understand, or if I'm crying my eyes out because I just love him so much and we're so much alike, and all I want is the best for him and I can't give him that. I don't know what I'm feeling, but I just want to go to sleep and stop thinking about everything in my life that has gone wrong. There's a reason I don't think about these things.
I know my life isn't awful - it's so far from that, now. But I had to go through some things to get to where I am today. I know that some of the things that I've dealt with pale in comparison to others, but it doesn't really matter. I'm thankful that I am here now and that I'm blessed. I just wanted to end this post on a high note. I feel much better after writing all of that out.

Have you ever bathed and, while bathing, just let the water run over your head, and smell the water? I know it sounds weird, but I just got out of the shower and did that. It made me think a lot, and it also calmed me immensely.

Hey, Blogger. So, my feet smell really awful right now because I was wearing my pretty Mary Jane pink Chinese shoes. I can't tell if my feet have just stunk up my shoes, or if I just really need to buy a new pair. I've only had this pair for a few months!!!
I just finished doing some chores and wrapping a present for my mom. So now, I want to make something. I don't want to write my paper. I wish my mom would realize that, when I get in that 'writing mood,' I need to write right then and there. I can't write later. I need to write in that exact moment. Or I'll lose the mood and I will never ever do my homework.
The bad news is that there is nothing for me to watch because all of my shows didn't come on this week, because it's ~Thanksgiving week.~ So I'm confused because I don't know what to do with my time, other than what I should do. If La Cage Au Folles is on 1channel, I am going to watch it.

I *NEVER* update.

So, I've been on Thanksgiving vacation for about 2 days, now, and I haven't done anything at all!!! I need to turn in a paper for English on Monday that's overdue, but I'm having the worst time thinking of things to write and getting the motivation to do so! I had terrible writer's block for a while, and now, I'm kind of afraid to do it and run into the same problem! I'm also kind of afraid it'll just suck. xP But whatever. I'm trying to see it like this: It's the last English paper I have to write for about a year!!! So I have to hang in there and stay genki! (Lol, I haven't heard anyone use that word in years.)
What have I been up to this past month? I can't remember if I mentioned seeing Billy Elliot at the Fox, but I probably did! My Nana is on vacation. My dad is alone in Kentucky, and my friend Tim is just depressed. I hope that I never become one of those people during the holidays that just gets depressed around this time, because that would suck.
I talked to my friend Nick last night, too! We Skyped for the first time ever, so that was coo'. He also lives in KY. I haven't talked to him face-to-face in several years, and the last time I talked to him on the phone, I was 15. I think the last time I saw him, I was still young and living with my dad and 15. I'm 18, now, and I'll be 19 in January next year. I really can't believe it. I hope some really great things happen for me next year, as well as my friends and family!
Ah, maybe you're wondering about my crush? Ok, probably not. But I'll tell you, anyway. CC actually addresses me by my name, talks to me every time we have class together (lol, so that's twice a week...), and we're just on a pretty good turf - so much better than before! You know, I had a dream about him a few weeks ago, in which we were hanging out alone, finally, and we were talking a LOT. Then, as I was saying something, he kissed me! I was flustered, so I ignored it, because I have this thing where I try not to make a spectacle of anything unless it's appropriate, I guess..? Ok, I know that doesn't make sense. What I mean is, a lot of people kiss, so I just thought that maybe he was curious and it was just a 'friend kiss' in the dream, which is what I would also think in real life. It's not more than a 'friend kiss' unless one of you says, 'would you be mine?? Please, be my baby!' Haha! :) Because that's how things always get complicated in TV shows!
Anyway, as I was trying to say, I ignored the fact that I had totally just gotten to meet lips with the most attractive boy I have ever seen in my life. So then, we were walking around and talking even more, and as he was saying something, I decided to kiss him. So, once more, we conversed, and he kissed me again, and then he said something along the lines of, "Well, now that we're more than friends..." And I said, "Wait!!...We are..??" So he laughed, and said, "Why would I kiss you if I didn't like you?" And I was like, "I don't know!!" He was so nice to me in that dream. But when I woke up, I realized that it was not reality. That was not the real life, and it sucked, because it really felt so real when I was asleep.
One more thing I would like to touch base on is the fact that I don't think I want to just be a girl anymore. I wrote about this in my tumblr, so here I am, writing this again. It feels almost unnatural, like I'm a different person in the way that I feel. I don't feel like Jisu anymore; I feel. Like...somebody else. And not at all in a bad way. I just feel like I want to be a boy sometimes. I just want to be male. But I also enjoy being female. I wish that I could fully change back and forth like it was nothing. Sometimes, I could have a penis. Occasionally, I could have a vagina. IDK. Whatever is working for me that day, you know. It'd be nice. But I don't feel comfortable talking about it with people because I don't want to be looked at as if I'm a freak. When, in truth, I am a freak, and that's what makes me so grand. But I'm afraid to be my completely grand self and just charge on as a very queer individual. Staying in my comfort zone would mean that I just stayed the way that I am now. And really, I love the 'me' that I currently am. I am flawed, of course, but I really like myself. It took me so long to get to this point, though, so if I was to add in a whole different part of me that isn't Jisu and is instead someone who may or may not be a dude, it would just get so complicated. I don't want to have to explain why I was kawaii yesterday, but today, I'm really masculine and look completely different. I mean, if I was a bystander, friend, or family member, I would want to know what was going on with me, too, but sometimes, things are just so hard to talk about. Or you just don't want to talk about them. I think that I will definitely go through with these feelings of mine at some point when I'm comfortable, but I don't know if I want to do that right away. Otherwise, I might get overwhelmed. I usually don't care how other people see me or what they think of me, but since this is just totally different than any hate that I could have possibly gotten before (i.e. 'dyke,' 'lesbian,' 'gay,' 'ratchet,' etc. That last one is really fucking dumb, though), I simply don't know how to prepare myself for this. I'll have to figure out how to sometime. I'm just going to lay low in that department for now, though.